Hey Guys!
This is my first post in a new series 'Mummy Madness'. All of the posts in this series will be about my day to day life as a mum and the difficulties and challenges, as well as the fun stuff! I hope you like what you read!
As you know, I'm currently juggling being a mum and getting my university degree, and if you saw my last post 'What's next for me?' then you'll also know that I've applied to a University near me in which I will be leaving Isabella with a family member whilst I attend Uni and I've also applied for jobs working nights, which means I will be leaving Isabella with her dad whilst I catch up on sleep... and I am terrified.
The thought of leaving Isabella for even a few hours causes major anxiety for me. My heart races, I feel sick, I start sweating and shaking (It's called a panic attack- my counsellor tells me) and I start to cry. It's sooo silly and frustrating because I know for a fact that Isabella will be more than fine with family and her dad and I know for a fact that she will have loads of fun and probably won't even notice my absence but I still find myself panicking.
I feel guilty for leaving her and I am terrified she will get hurt and I won't be there, or she will be tired and want mummy cuddles and she will feel abandoned. It's absolutely ridiculous of me to feel like this, but I do and it makes it so hard to make decisions about my own future in regards to my career and the steps I need to take to gain this career. I find myself holding back because I don't want to leave Isabella.
I constantly have to remind myself that when she turns two, I will have no choice but to leave her because she will need to start attending nursery and if I don't get to grips with my anxiety I will end up holding her back in her development which is obviously the last thing I want to do. When I feel these panic attacks coming on I have to focus on breathing in and out and telling myself she will be fine, that she has been with family and her daddy without me before and she will be absolutely fine but it still takes a while for me to calm down.
I am really struggling with the idea of going to university and work and not having Isabella with me but I know it is the right thing for me and for Isabella and I know that when I look back on this in a few months time when i'm used to leaving her I will probably laugh at myself for ever worrying in the first place.
I will keep you guys updated with how leaving her for the first time goes when it happens.
Thanks for reading.
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