I decided I would write this down, because it's relevant and because it's real. I wanted to blog about something people could relate to, something people could feel. I wanted people to read something that was true and honest.
I thought you were the one. Isn't that funny? That I could possibly believe there was a "one" for me? You were wonderful, of course you were, how could you not be? Or at least I thought you were.
You made me believe we had a future, you made promises to me, of marriage, of growing old together, and I lapped up every single word because I so badly wanted it to be true. I so badly wanted you. When things were hard; you always had my back, holding me steady against the giant waves that tried to drown me. When I had a bad day, you'd be waiting at the end of it with a smile on your face and a warmth in your eyes. You were my rock. I believed every word you said, why wouldn't I?
Everybody loved you, I suppose that doesn't surprise me. "He's a keeper" they'd tell me. Oh how I wish they knew how right they were. You were a keeper. But you were not for me to keep.
You see, you broke me, beyond words could explain. Your promises built me up, inflated me like a balloon. You filled my every need, my every want. You completed me. And you were good at what you did; at making me believe you. So good. You were the happily ever after that I so badly needed and desperately wanted. Weren't you?
No.
You left me. When I needed you the most. Okay so I was pretty horrid at times, but I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. You dumped yours on me too.
I resented you for it. I was so angry that you could just leave the way you did, take back every single promise and every single word you ever said. I'd told you when we first met that I was fragile. My "I don't care" attitude was simply a cover up, an act. A defence mechanism. You forgot that. You forgot how fragile I was when you said there was no future for us, you didn't realise why your words cut me so deeply.
You see, everybody else left me too. My family chose others over me, my friends slowly dwindled away, my past lovers were simply stepping stones leading me to you. You were the one person who I genuinely believed wouldn't go, wouldn't give up on me. You knew my deepest thoughts and how I felt and how I was so badly hurt from my childhood. Yet you went back on everything you said. And I couldn't quite believe it at first. Not you, everybody else was understandable, but not you.
You were different. Right?
No.
You broke me.
But I want to thank you. Thank you for hurting me, for shattering my confidence, for making me momentarily lose my stride; because it made me so much stronger. It made me realize that the only person I really could rely on was myself. For the short, sweet time that we had together, you taught me what it felt like to love and to be loved. You taught me what a healthy, normal relationship was, because, lets be honest, every past relationship had been toxic and poisonous to my already fragile self. You taught me what it was like be able to trust someone completely, with not a single doubt.
And you taught me what it was like to have that ripped away, to have to pick up the pieces on my own. But I am grateful. Because you taught me that there was a me without you when I wasn't sure if there was.
And I am the best version of myself that I can be. And as much as you broke me; that is down to you for loving me and accepting my love back, no matter how disheveled it could be. It's down to you for showing me that even though I had a bad childhood; it did not define me and it did not make my future. You showed me that I was the key to my own success, my own happiness. You made me want to be a better person. For you. And for me. You showed me the good in myself, the things I was too blind to see, you helped me accept what I could not change and love myself anyway. You lit up my life like a billion fireworks exploding in the dark night.
But guess what? I am my own fireworks. In my own dark night.
I thought you were the one. And maybe, in a way, you were.
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