We've all had to do things in life, that we didn't necessarily want to do, in order to learn and grow as a person, but why does it seem the most important lessons are always learned through the toughest situations?
I haven't had the best life, not many of us have, I won't get into all the gory details, simply because as hard as my life has been; there are people out there who have it harder and I'm not wanting to seem like I am looking for some kind of sympathy. The frustrating thing about having such a challenging life so far? It has made me a much better and much stronger person. I only wish I didn't have to go through the crap I had just to get where I am today- happy, content and a hell of a better person than I was as a young teenager- no, I wasn't a thug or rogue- just damaged.
Here are the top 8 life lessons I've learned so far...
1. You cannot change anyone - This is something we all try and do. We love someone and we want them to be a better person so we try and change their habits and traits to make them how we want to be. Kind of like build-a-partner, nevermind build-a-bear. Doing this will only make YOU unhappy, the other person will still be happy in their own ways and won't even realise that your intentions are purely innocent. Trying to change a person to make them who you want them to be, whether for yourself or for them, will only mean they can never meet your expectations and will thus make you miserable. Move on, find someone who has the personality and traits that you do want and be happy.
2. You cannot love a damaged person back to health- I used to date a guy, I won't add any names, but he was damaged. Probably still is, but I thought that if I loved him enough, he would be okay and that he wouldn't be damaged anymore and we could have a long, happy, stable relationship. Turns out this just made me miserable and in fact ended up damaging me... My advice to anyone who thinks you can love someone enough that you can fix their mental health; you can't. So don't. Love them for the right reasons, because they make you smile and laugh, because they have beautiful eyes and a smile that can light up a room of people, not because you want to fix them. There is no 'fixing' mental health. Love doesn't conquer all. A mentally ill person needs professional care, to help nurse them back to a stable mindset. They may need counselling and medication- your love can't give them that.
3. Toxic relationships will always stay toxic- It honestly makes no difference if you love them and they love you. A toxic relationship really will always stay toxic. You will only tear each other apart. You can excuse the way they talk to you, the way they lift their hands to you, you can say it was your fault because you angered them and well they 'can't control their temper' or you can say they don't want you to be friends with that person and this person because they are protecting you- we all know that's a load of horse crap. The truth is, and I hate to burst anyone's bubble, there is no winning in a toxic relationship, and there is no happy ever after. There IS, however if this is something you think you're into (can't say I'm a fan) an endless circle of hurt and pain. You might have a great day, and the next you're screaming at the top of your lungs or sobbing endlessly in the shower where he/she can't hear you break. I mean, if that's the kind of thing you're into then crack on.
4. 'It is what it is'- This is one of the most important pieces of advice I can ever give, and probably the only advice I ever give- seriously ask my friend's! There is no point dwelling on what has happened, or what is going to happen, 'it is what it is' meaning whatever has happened is done with and there is nothing you can do to change the past. All you can do is look forward and keep pushing through. I used to stay up all night panicking about the little things, regretting the past and it started to drive me insane. Someone who was once very important to me showed me that if you just accept it and get on with it instead of moping and feeling sorry for yourself it makes everything easier. And that person was definitely right. Instead of spending every minute of every day stressing myself out enough to cause me to go grey at the ripe age of 20 years old, I now just tell myself 'It is what it is' and I get on with it. I pay the bill I can't really afford, I accept that I just can't afford that matte lipstick that I love so much this week, I accept I cannot change my past and can only look forward. It's the same as 'what will be, will be' in a way. You just have to stay positive. Don't believe me? Try it for yourself.
5. 'A person who can no longer control you will try to control how those around you see and treat you'- Unfortunately, this is just one of those things, There will always be that one person you befriend or date who wants to control you. Who you talk to, what you wear, what you eat etc etc. It takes a very long time to rid yourself of someone like this when you're in so deep, or when they're your family and you feel there just is no escaping them. The problem with ridding yourself of these types of people is that they cannot handle the fact they can no longer control you, they cannot handle the fact that you are FREE. They need to have some kind of control over you, even if they are not in control of you directly. So they tell lies about you, they turn people against you, they tell people you broke their hearts when they needed you the most, that you did the unthinkable, blah blah blah... and the truth is if you respond to it, if you argue the rumours or confront said person, you are just lighting the fire and showing them they are still in control. The best thing you can do, and I have had to do this myself, is IGNORE what gets said, let so-called friends fall out with you over the gossip, or in some cases continue to be friends with the people that he/she doesn't want you to be friends with. Continue to live your life and soon enough they will realise they aren't getting anywhere and will focus their controlling behaviour on someone else. I know that sounds hard, having to let people talk crap about you, having to lose friends. But let's be honest if those 'friends' are going to believe someone else over you; are they even worth being friends with in the first place?
6. Love yourself and others will learn to do the same- There isn't much to be said about this. It's an ongoing battle to learn to love every aspect of yourself and not feel so insecure and I honestly still don't know if it is possible to truly, fully love yourself. Not in the vain 'I am everything everybody else is not, I am better than everyone else' crap but in the way that you know you have flaws like your nose is too big or you get jealous easy or your top lip is a lot bigger than your bottom lip but you know that it makes you who you are, and that's why you should love the flaws. Because it makes you unique. And that is a very important and special thing to be. Nobody wants a copycat or a fake. If you accept your flaws and don't let them break you; how can anyone use them against you? If you can't love your flaws and quirks; how can you expect somebody else to?
7. ALWAYS trust your gut- Most people already know this, I know I did, but sometimes you ignore it because you don't want something to be true. In my case, I knew there was something going on behind my back in a past relationship, I could feel it in every fibre of myself, but I ignored my gut and refused to believe that he would possibly do that to me. I ended up broken hearted when i found the evidence that showed me what I already knew was actually true and that it had been going on for way longer than I'd thought. Looking back now, I do wish I had trusted my gut from the beginning but as I have previously pointed out 'It is what it is'.
8. Be proud of your achievements, no matter how small- As someone who has struggled with depression in the past, this is probably one of the biggest reasons why I was able to get better. For a while I was focused on the main goal- to wake up each day and feel blessed to be alive, not to wish I wasn't- and I wasn't really seeing the achievements I was making along the way to help me get to my main goal. It was little things like actually leaving my house and going for a walk, or getting out of bed at all. It was the small achievements that really mattered, and it's only now that I have come out of the the side of my depression that I can see the little achievements that got me to where I am today. And now I can safely say that I truly am proud of each and every step I had to take.
Speak Soon,
Love S
xx
Speak Soon,
Love S
xx
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